Into the Streets
by LesMisLoony
Summary: COMPLETE. Two unoriginal OC's and nearly all the characters of 1832 take to the streets for various reasons. OOCness abounds. Into the WoodsxLM
1. Prologue

A/N- I have such random ideas... don't be surprised by any OOC-ness that you shall find.

* * *

_Ahem. An interesting thing happened once upon a time. Shall I tell you the story? Yes? Okay, here goes._

Once upon a time...

All is not well in Paris. There is a sad young lady called Eponine, to begin with, who only wants to help her family of thieves pull a job. Her wicked biological mother and sister do not trust her, and her father couldn't care less. So that's her.

Then we have a young fellow called Enjolras, who dreams of a better life for all. He lives in some random place with his beloved red vest named Bloody-Red. He has a little group of followers, too, among which is his friend Combeferre. But more on that later.

The last people I must now introduce may be unfamiliar to you. We have a baker I shall call Jacques, for lack of a better name, and his wife Claire. Jacques and Claire just want a child, but they can't have one, for reasons you will soon learn.

* * *

Enjolras sits at a table in the café Musain, smoothing his vest. Combeferre enters.

"Hello, Combeferre," Enjolras says absently. He is inspecting a wrinkle on Bloody-Red.

"Enjolras!" Combeferre sighs. "You look a mess!"

Enjolras glances up at him. "But doesn't Bloody-Red look good?"

"Yes, it's splendid. Tell me, when was the last time you ate?"

"Er... dunno. Mum and Dad aren't very happy with me, so they've sent no money. It's been a while," responds Enjolras.

"You really must eat," Combeferre insists. "You have no money?" Enjolras shakes his head no. "Then you must get some."

"How?"

Combeferre glances from Enjolras to the vest. "Sell that thing."

"Bloody-Red?" Enjolras cries. "Never!"

"I'm not joking with you, Enjolras. Go sell that vest! Your vanity will be your downfall if you don't."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the bakery, Jacques and Claire are baking bread, surprisingly. A gamin enters, followed by two younger boys. We shall call the gamin Gavroche.

Gavroche lays his money on the table and asks for a loaf of bread. Jacques pulls out his black bread, but Gavroche smirks at it and asks for white. Jacques obliges.

"Where are you boys going?" asks Claire.

Gavroche points at the boys. "To find these brats' mother. Can I have a basket for that?"

Claire nods and puts the bread in a basket for the boys. "You're certain of your way?"

"I have no fear," Gavroche says, "nor no one should." And he leaves with his boys.

They go into the streets.

* * *

Eponine is sitting in the room's only armchair when the door flies open and her family enters. "Guess what, Ponine?" her wicked biological sister, Azelma, sneers. "Papa has an offer to pull a job with the Patron-Minette!" Eponine leaps to her feet, excited.

Her evil biological mother frowns. "You don't want to come, do you?"

"Of course I do!"

"But look at you!" she cries. "You've got no shoes. You can't come on a job with no shoes!"

And her family leaves, Azelma slamming the door behind them.

They go into the streets.

* * *

There is another knock on Jacques's door.

"Who could that be?" says Jacques.

Claire glances out the window. "It's the old man from next door!"

The old man enters their room. He has come to tell them of a spell laid on their family.

"What spell?" Jacques demands.

"In the past," begins the old man, "when your mother was without money, she took up a dubious job. She lived in my town, see, where I was mayor, and the crazed devil-worshipping gypsy policeman arrested her. I came and insisted she go free, and the policeman was so angry that he cast of spell on her, and on all your family! Of course, I did ask for one thing in exchange for freeing your mother..."

"What thing?" Claire asks nervously.

"That I might be allowed to take her child as my own."

Jacques blinks. "I had a brother?"

"No!" the old man snaps. "But... you had a sister."

"Really?"

Ignoring him, the old man continues. "I thought I had been more than reasonable. Well, your mother died and I took the girl with me, and I hid her away from the world where she'll never be reached!"

Claire frowns at the old man. "Why are you telling us all of this now?"

"Because I know how to lift the spell!"

"Hooray!" shout Jacques and Claire.

"Yes hooray. But I need you to go into the streets and bring me back... one, the brat without a home... two, the vest as red as blood... three, the hair of blond or brown... four, the boot that's full of holes! Bring me these before the stroke of midnight in three days' time, and you shall have a child as perfect as child can be... Go to the streets!"

* * *

Eponine frowns at her bare feet. If only she had boots...

* * *

Jacques sighs as he jams on a hat. "I'm going to get those things for the crazy old man."

"I'm coming with you," Claire says, reaching for a bonnet.

"No! The spell is on _my_ house! Only I can break the spell!"

"No, no, the spell is on _our_ house! _We _must lift the spell!"

"You are not to come and that is final!" Jacques insists. "Now... what was I to return with?"

"You don't remember?" his wife says irritably. "The brat without a home, the cape as red as blood, the hair of blond or brown, the boot that's full of holes..."

Jacques leaves, repeating these to himself.

He goes into the streets.

* * *

"Enjolras," Combeferre says, "make sure you sell it for no less than five francs. And don't look at me that way!"

The young man shoots his companion one last mournful glance before being shoved out of the door, Bloody-Red over his arm.

He goes into the streets.

* * *

With nothing else to do, Eponine begins straightening the room. As she is pushing a pile of dust under a mattress, however, she notices a strange lump under the blankets. Pulling back the covers, she finds an old pair of boots.

"They were holding out on me!" she curses. Putting on the boots, Eponine decides to go find her family.

She goes into the streets.

_

* * *

And so I conclude this first chapter with nearly every character going out Into the Streets..._


	2. Hello Little Boys and Some More

Enjolras drags his feet on the way to the markets. "Just because I love my vest doesn't mean _my_ Republic will turn out like Robespierre's..." he mutters.

Suddenly, someone blocks his path. Enjolras sees a woman with short blond hair and no front teeth. He doesn't know who it is, but I, the Authoress, am willing to bet that the Reader knows. Anyway, this Mysterious Woman points at Bloody-Red. "What are you doing with that vest, my boy?"

"Selling it," Enjolras pouts.

"Hmm," she says. "I suppose you must make sure it will go to a good home."

"What?"

"Well, if you sell it to the wrong person, they could... mistreat it. Make sure it's new owners would love it as much as you," she adds before disappearing.

Enjolras is more concerned about her words than the fact that she just dissolved into midair. I mean... it's Bloody-Red we're talking about here. What if the person he ends up giving to... abuses it? He clutches the vest to his heart and murmurs soothingly, "Don't worry, my dear. I won't let you be hurt!"

* * *

In another part of the town Gavroche and his boys are still in search of La Magnon and Mamselle Miss. They are, however, confronted by a tall shadow.

"Hello, little boys," says the tall shadow.

"Hello, Monsieur Gypsy Lawman," Gavroche answers. He and his boys try to pass, but the lawman steps in front of them.

"Where are you going, little boys?" he asks.

Gavroche huffs and points at the boys. "To find their mother! Will you just move?"

"But, little boys," says the gypsy lawman, "shouldn't you be going... that way?"

Gavroche frowns at him.

"In fact," continues the gypsy lawman, "I'll get a carriage and take you there... Oh, look! Here's a carriage just sitting here..." He points at a carriage that seems to be waiting for them.

"Oh, okay!" says Gavroche. He and the boys climb inside.

The driver of the cab looks at the gypsy lawman. "Where to, Inspector Javert?"

"To the jail, of course," says the gypsy lawman. He climbs up next to the driver. "I'm not sitting in there with those dirty streetrats."

The cab rolls away, and our friend the baker steps out from an alley where he was spying on the boys and the evil gypsy lawman. "Two brats without a home," he gasps.

"Jacques!" calls Claire. "Jacques, dear!"

Her husband rolls his eyes. "I _told_ you to stay home!"

"But... you forgot your red scarf!" she protests, holding the item out to him.

"That's because I don't want the stupid red scarf!"

"But I made it for you! Is that how you think of me?"

"Go home, Claire!" he says again.

Claire stamps her foot. "I – "

They are interrupted when Enjolras walks by, clutching his vest and muttering about the new Republic.

"A vest as red as blood," both say aloud.

Jacques claps his hands. "You follow the vest, I'll follow the brats, okay?"

"Great," says Claire, and they split up.

* * *

"Um, m'sieur? Excuse me!"

Enjolras looks up to see a young lady he doesn't know.

"I couldn't help but notice your lovely red vest... Is it for sale?" she asks.

"That depends," Enjolras says. "Can you give him a good home?"

"Oh, of course! I'll give him the best home any vest could ever hope for."

"Do you promise?"

"Absolutely."

Enjolras looks at the vest in his hands. "Well, I guess this is goodbye, old pal," he sighs. Claire holds out her hands, and Enjolras shoves the vest at her, then runs away crying.

* * *

The old man from earlier, who we shall call Valjean, of course, has gone to visit the baker's little sister. You know, the one he hid away from the world? That's where he's gone. Valjean approaches a gate in the Rue Plumet.

"Cosette? Cosette! Let me in, my dear..." he calls.

His "daughter" appears and pushes a loosened bar aside for him to enter.

The two don't know it, but they are being watched but a handsome young lawyer-baron. He has fallen in love with Cosette and decides to ask her to undo the bar the next day after the old man leaves.

* * *

_Well, I suppose I shall stop here, because if I don't the whole story will end up being about four chapters long, and we don't want that._

nebulia- The strangeness does not stop here, I warn you... I'm certifiable, you know.

Kang Xiu- Yay it's amusing... my warped mind thanks you.

ArgentineRose- One of the Pythons? I don't think so... it'd be cool if I was, though... like an illegitimate grandchild or something... or maybe just a child... hmm... Now I have something to ponder for the rest of the day!

Devonny Strauss- Ah no, the Punjabbery disease! I went through a "shoot you with a carbine" stage, and a "whack you with a red flag" stage, but I don't think I've gone through Punjabbery yet...

Robyn-Enjolras- Don't worry, I don't even know it that well! I haven't seen the show in five years, although I do have the CD. I like your copyrighted word, by the way.

the parasols- Does that almost make you think of Javert as Orin Scrivello, DDS? Muaha... but that's another crossover for another time...


	3. A Very Nice Man

A/N- Whoo, I just found out that one of the other high schools in town is doing Into the Woods as their spring musical! Yay.

Robyn-Enjolras- Yay for words such as chupley... heh.

Tziporah- Into the Woods is a brilliant show. I'm not sure how much you aren't getting, but I doubt there's a lot.

ArgentineRose- Now there's a thought. Yes, Mamselle Miss and La Magnon are far too ignored... moreso than Azelma, in fact.

AmZ- I'm glad Javert's obvious OOC-ness isn't too upsetting... everyone's rather warped in this story, which is why it's so fun.

nebulia- I got into SP because I was adore Jekyll Hyde, which I got into because some folks on the LM forum at Le Cafe said it was brilliant. Which it is, obviously.

Kang Xiu- Another awesome word...

notthatlucky- Yay, you reviewed! Haha... poor Ca... Patria... Patterson. Never fear, all shall be righted.

Ponine24601- Why, thanks. They just sort of fit together, though... it's really kinda weird how well it works.

* * *

The carriage with Gavroche and the boys inside arrives at a frightening building. The gamins pile out.

"Well, here we are, M'sieur Gypsy Lawman."

"That's right," the inspector says. "Come on inside and I'll take you to the ladies you seek."

"Okay!"

Gavroche and the homeless boys enter the building, followed, at some distance, by Jacques the baker. "Well," demands Gavroche, "where are they?"

"Right... HERE!" Javert cries, shoving the boys into a jail cell. That was mean, yes, but he did not lie. La Magnon and Mamselle Miss are, indeed, in this cell.

It's Jacques to the rescue, and he knocks the gypsy lawman over the head with a nearby candlestick. Our inspector is unconscious, and Jacques unlocks the cell and lets Gavroche, the boys, Mamselle Miss and La Magnon out.

"You've saved our lives!" cries Mamselle Miss. "How can we ever repay you?"

"Well..." says the baker; "I kind of need a brat without a home..."

La Magnon shrugs. "Here, take this one," she says, shoving the youngest of the boys toward him. "He wets the bed."

"That's fine," Jacques nods. He and the youngest boy leave the station.

* * *

"Combeferre... I'm back..." Enjolras says glumly as he enters the café.

"Splendid. How much money did you get?"

Enjolras looks down at the floor. "Uh..."

"Enjolras?"

"Bloody-Red is in a very nice home where the lady said she'd take good care of him!" the young man says quickly.

Combeferre taps his foot. "Enjolras... how much money did you get?"

"Er... none?"

"You sadden me," Combeferre sighs.

"But now I can get on with my revolution, right? Right?"

"Sure, go ahead..."

Combeferre leaves the room muttering about Robespierre.

* * *

Claire is trying to find her husband, Bloody-Red in her hands. Suddenly a girl comes dashing out of a sewer grate and trips, falling on her face in the middle of the street.

"Oh my!" Claire gasps. "Can I help you?"

"I'm... Don't let on that you've seen me!" she cries, ducking into an alley.

There is a ruckus from the sewer, and a very, very handsome young man with lips like cherries and the glow of springtime in his eyes comes running out. "Excuse me," he says breathlessly, "have you seen a sordid looking girl come by here?"

"No," Claire lies.

The lovely fellow swears and hurries away.

When he is gone, the girl he was seeking emerges from the alley and begins to leave.

"Wait!" Claire calls. "May I ask you something?"

"Shoot," says the girl.

Claire points in the direction the young man took. "Why are you running from someone that gorgeous?"

"I... I don't really know."

"How did you meet him?"

"Pulling a job."

"What's his name?"

"Montparnasse."

"Oh my goodness! Isn't that-"

"Thief, murderer, blah blah... yeah, that's him."

Claire's eyes are wide. "You aren't afraid of him?"

"Oh, no!" laughs the girl. "My father and wicked biological mother are worse than he is!"

"What's your name?" Claire asks.

"Eponine."

"And do you always run from handsome men?"

Eponine shrugs. "I've never had a handsome man chase me before."

She starts to leave again.

"I wish handsome men chased me... What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes..." Claire sighs. Looking at Eponine's feet, she gasps, "I mean boots that are full of holes!"

"I must get home!" Eponine cries, noticing the late hour.

"I need your shoes!" says Claire. At that minute a gust of wind catches the vest in her hand, and it blows away. "Wait!" she shouts, chasing after it.

* * *

_Again I must cut off in the interest of the length of the story._


	4. There's A Government in the Sky?

A/N- Yeah, so I've developed this chronic short-chapter syndrome... is chronic short an oxymoron? Anyway...

AmZ- Hmm... Now that I think about it, it's pretty... thought-provoking...

Robyn-Enjolras- Yay! I enjoy that word.

nebulia- Ah, yes... the plot... well, maybe not "thickens," but it moves, anyway.

Argentine Rose- Yay, support the ignored characters! Muaha. As for the candlestick, this is my choice weapon for braining Javert... but sure, Jacques can look like Liam Neeson... and Javert can be Barbossa! Arrgh.

Kang Xiu- _-grabs pen and paper-_ Shibby... sporfle... How amusing.

Tziporah- Yeah, this is mostly directly from the synopsis, seeing how I haven't seen the show in five years and don't remember much... but I do have the CD.

* * *

The day draws to a close as Claire chases the vest down various streets. She runs into Enjolras.

"Er... hello..." she says, watching the vest blow into a tree and get tangled in the branches.

Enjolras seems excited about something. "How is Bloody-Red?" he asks, beaming. "I trust he is well."

"What?" Claire asks as a squirrel begins sniffing at the vest. "Oh, it's great, just great. How are you?" She winces as a family of birds elects Bloody-Red to be a target as they fly overhead.

"I've been off antagonizing the government!" Enjolras announces proudly. "I told them that on June the fifth I was going to kill them all! They... they didn't seem very worried... But they will be! You just wait... What are you looking at?"

The squirrel had knocked Bloody-Red to the ground, and a stray dog picks it up in his mouth and trots away. "I... I have to go..." Claire says, running after the mutt.

"See you later, then!" Enjolras calls after her.

It is too late, however, and Claire has lost track of the dog and the vest. She comes across Jacques, who is leading the youngest brat by the hand.

"Look, Claire! Look what I have!" he cries. "A brat without a home!"

"That's wonderful, dear."

"Now all we need is the boot and the hair!"

"And the vest."

"What? I thought you got the vest!"

Claire shrugs. "I lost it to the wind, a squirrel, some birds, and a stray dog."

"Well, go find it, then!"

Claire nods and continues on. As she is passing through the Luxembourg Gardens a familiar shape distracts her. The handsome young murderer from the sewer, Montparnasse, and another good-looking man seem to be conversing on a nearby park bench. Intrigued, she listens in.

"Girl troubles, then, Pontmercy?" Montparnasse sighs.

I must say that I don't really know how they met and came to be on speaking terms, but apparently they have. Plot convenience, perhaps?

The other man nods. "There's this pretty girl in a garden... Her father keeps her locked in there... the Rue Plumet..."

"Mine keeps running away... I'm not sure why. Am I not gorgeous and pretty and cold as I'm handsome and rich from my work?"

"You are everything... robbers... could wish for."

"Then why no?"

"Do I know?"

"The girl must be mad," Montparnasse mutters.

"Yes, well mine sits in the garden with her beautiful hair of blonde... or was it brown? Ah, no matter. Her father keeps her locked in there."

"Hair of blond or brown?" Claire whispers.

Montparnasse nods. "Where did you say she stays?"

"The Rue Plumet, in the house with the grate."

Claire chooses this moment to take her leave of the men.

* * *

Jacques looks at the little boy. "What's your name, son?"

"I don't know, monsieur."

"Did you see that lady I was talking to a moment ago? My wife?"

The boy nods.

"She _lost_ the vest."

He nods again.

"I mean... honestly, how empty-headed could she be? She lost the vest!"

"Begging your pardon, sir, but she hasn't," says a stranger's voice.

Jacques and the boy turn to see the same blonde Mysterious Woman from earlier, holding the tattered remains of Bloody-Red in her outstretched hand.


	5. Stay With Me, Dangit!

A/N- Okay, due to computer viruses I have to proof this and respond to reviewers before I upload it to the site, so I won't be able to do bolds/italics/those little lines across the page. But I'll do what I can to make sure it appears as normally as possible.

AmZ- Don't worry, there isn't much of a point or plotline. But must say I find that box/pox thing quite hilarious...

Estella Brandybuck- Yes... I have no idea how Montparnasse and Marius got so friendly... Plot convenience?

ArgentineRose- One really can't watch movies with Geoffrey Rush without thinking of Javert at least once... even Finding Nemo.

(insert name here)- I actually read a fic a while back where they were brothers... I really want to steal that idea...

Kang Xiu- I actually once thought I was good at making up words, but I relinquish that crown to you for "spifferific filk."

Robyn-Enjolras- Look out for that squirrel's future guest appearances in this fic.

Tziporah- Isn't insecure OOC Enjy adorable?

Mlle. Verity- Huzzah! Yes, the synopsis of Into the Woods would probably help everyone who's trying to read this jumble-y thing.

* * *

Cosette sits in the garden, watching glow-worms in the grass and birds in the sky. She begins to sing to herself, reading over the love letter from the pretty young man for whom she moved the loose bar aside yesterday.

There is a slight sound from the bushes, but she is so intent on watching a little squirrel with a bit of red fabric in its mouth that she does not hear. There is a tug on the back of her head, and she whirls around to see a young lady she does not know holding a knife in one hand and a huge clump of her own hair in the other.

"Sorry!" she cries, turning and exiting through the loosened bar.

Cosette rushes into her house, glances in the mirror, and finds a huge bald patch on the side of her head.

"DADDY!"

"Claire!" Jacques shouts, approaching his wife with the boy clinging to his hand. "Claire! Look, my dear, I have the vest! I found it!"

The baker's wife nods. "And see this, darling? Hair!"

"Wow... is that blonde or brown?" he asks.

Claire looks at it. "No idea."

"Perfect! You know, it really does take two, doesn't it?"

"Yes, I suppose so. What do we have?"

Jacques repeats the old man's words, pointing to each thing. "A brat without a home, a hair of blond or brown, a vest as red as blood... All we need is the boot that's full of holes and we can lift the curse on our house!"

Nodding, Claire looks over their inventory. "But wait, dear... are you sure that is the same vest?"

"Yes, that Mysterious Woman gave it to me. Why?"

"Well... look at it."

The baker lays the vest down and steps back. The poor thing is so covered in muck and dirt that it is no longer recognizable as red.

"Dear heaven!" he cries. "We'll need a new vest!"

"Only two things..." Claire moans miserably. She stashes the remains of Bloody-Red in her apron pocket.

Jacques sighs. "I suppose you'll have to find another."

"What? Why me?"

"Because you're the one who lost the first one!"

"But I'm the one who knows where to find the boot that's full of holes!"

Thus an argument begins. In the end, Jacques the baker goes in search of a new vest while Claire goes after the boot.

Cosette is sitting in the garden, hugging her love letter and crying over her hair. She does not hear her adopted father enter the gate, and is unaware that he has joined her until the letter is pulled out of her arms.

"What is this, my girl?"

"Nothing, Daddy, it's just – "

"EUPHRASIE OR EUPHRASIA, DEPENDING ON WHETHER YOU HAVE THE NORMAN DENNY TRANSLATION OR THE CHARLES E. WILBOUR VERSION! I AM SHOCKED AND MORTIFIED!" he shouts upon reading the letter. "You've been seeing boys when I'm out threatening the neighborhood baker!"

"Daddy, it's not like that! I can explain!"

"And what's more," he continues, pointing to her hair, "PLAYING WITH MY SCISSORS! I'll teach you to play with boys and scissors! Tomorrow to Calais, and then a ship across the sea!"

"No, Daddy! You can't split us up, we're in LOVE!"

"HA! You love me, dangit, and no one else in the world! That stupid boy will never replace me in your life so there!"

He grabs Cosette and drags her into the house, locking her in her room.

"TOUSSAINT!" he screams, "WHERE'S MY SHOTGUN?"

"No, Daddy!" Cosette cries, but he does not listen.

Marius Pontmercy is still pouting on a bench in Luxembourg when he hears footsteps approaching at a run. He glances up and sees the father of the woman he loves dashing toward him with a gun.

What would you do?

He jumps to his feet and runs away.

Cue chase scene. Marius dashes by. Valjean dashes by. Marius runs up stairs. Valjean runs up stairs. Marius runs down a hallway full of doors, selects the third on the right, and enters. Valjean goes to the second on the left. Marius comes out one door and enters another. So does Valjean. I get bored and skip ahead to the part where Marius is running along the street, dashes across Pont Neuf, trips, falls into the River Seine, and drowns.

Oops.

Valjean laughs maniacally and returns to the garden.


	6. Not the Last Midnight

A/N- Ladeda, another chapter.

nebulia- Heh... who needs sense when nonsense is so much cooler? It's okay, I forgive you for being all anonymous.

Kang Xiu- Hey, I'll take it. It sounds cool... huzzah for Future Shakespeares of the World.

Tziporah- Hm... yeah, and all the not-important names are different in those two translations, and I get so confuzzled... Patrie vs Patria, Euphrasie vs Euphrasia... what was the Fauchelevant one? It was like Ultime vs Ultimus... gosh, I'm such a dork.

ArgentineRose- I like the Norman Denny too, but I found a mistake in it on comparing it to the original French and the Charles E. Wilbour version... in the Parnasse and Gavroche scene it says he has a knife concealed in a case, when both the other translations say it's in a cane... I mean, that's obviously vital information to the plot, folks!

Mlle Verity- Aw, poor doltboy. I love him, really I do... but apparently I'm one of the very, very few.

Robyn-Enjolras- You aren't? _-puts away knife and syrup-_

* * *

Enjolras is skipping down the street, humming 'Do You Hear the People Sing?' He encounters Gavroche, who is wearing a charming top hat and leading a boy that is wearing an enormous overcoat.

"Hello," says Gavroche.

Enjolras beams at him. "Looky looky! See this pretty red flag?"

"It's full of holes."

"Those are bullet holes, gamin! I just came back from a tussle with the government! I probably would have beat them, too, but those National Guard are hard to catch... and they have big shiny guns."

"Liar!"

"What? They do! I should know... I'm the one who was being shot at!"

"Greenhorn! Liar! Prove it! Show me a big shiny gun!"

"Okay, I will!" Enjolras shouts indignantly. He storms off.

Claire is sitting at the previously mentioned sewer grate. After a moment, Eponine comes running out with only one boot on.

"Hi!"

Eponine looks up at her. "Oh, hello."

"What happened to your other boot?"

"Well," Eponine sighs, "it turns out that the fellow I was telling you about, Montparnasse, is a bit smarter than I'd figured. He realized that I'd run away from him, so he had some men jump on me and try to hold me down... I got away, but one of them got my other shoe."

"You're still running from him? Why?"

"I don't know! I just am. I'll tell you something, though – it's difficult to run when you only have one boot, and it's full of holes."

Claire starts. "I'll trade you that one boot for my shoes!"

"Really?"

"Sure!" says Claire.

They trade, and Claire smiles and waves as Eponine dashes away.

The young man from whom she bought the vest runs past, clutching a big shiny gun. Claire waves, but he doesn't see her.

Jacques returns to the bakery at the same time Claire does.

"Look!" he shouts. "I have a new vest!"

"We have everything," cries Claire, ecstatic. "The brat without a home... the vest as red as blood... the hair of blond or brown... the boot that's full of holes!"

At this precise moment Valjean walked in.

"It's the last midnight! Wait... that's later. It's been three days! Do you have everything?"

The baker and his wife hand him the four things. Valjean scrutinizes them all very carefully.

"Wait a minute!" he shouts, holding up the vest. "This thing isn't red as blood! It's a shade of... pink!"

"Jacques!" Claire groans.

"What?" the baker says. "He's old, I thought maybe he'd have bad eyesight."

"Well, I don't," Valjean says angrily. "I thought you had a red vest!"

"We did, but it got... really messed up," Claire explains. She pulls the dirty rags that are all that remains of Bloody-Red out of her apron pocket.

Valjean takes the rags. "Stupid people! You could have just washed it and given it to me! My daughter can sew it up... she has nothing else to do."

"Oh..." says Jacques.

Valjean leaves with the ragged Bloody-Red in his hands.


	7. Act I Finale

A/N- I don't know... I just feel like there should be one...

Estella Brandybuck- Yes, must get the child's mind off of that no-good lawyer baron revolutionary chap...

Eponine- Are you missing the point? I don't specifically want Marius dead, and this is by no means an M/C bashing fic. In fact, I love Marius/Cosette nearly as much as Raoul/Christine. I've seen some of your other reviews, and I just thought you should know that I'm not on Ponine's side of the love triangle. That said, Erik killing Marius? Interesting...

nebulia- Yes... perhaps they've got yeast in theirbrains or something... Perhaps I need sleep. Yeah, that one.

Tziporah- Isn't OOCness fun?

ArgentineRose- Ah, yes, must use quotes... I'm really tired... Gah! I can't think of anything interesting to say... poo.

Robyn-Enjolras- If we heal Bloody-Red, _then_ can Valjean get a pineapple? Hm?

notthatlucky- Never fear, Cosette is here! Or... was there...? Ah well, save that flower for... You'll see.

Kang Xiu- hoopy frood... You can still keep the crown, though. _-nods-_

* * *

Some time later, Valjean returns with Bloody-Red as good as new.

"Won't that revolutionary be pleased?" Claire smiles.

Valjean glances up quickly. "What revolutionary?"

"The one who sold me this vest."

"What was his name?"

Claire shrugs. "He was a nice blond fellow."

Valjean relaxes at this. "Well, are you ready to lift the curse laid on your house by the evil devil-worshipping Gypsy lawman?"

"Yes!" Jacques and Claire shout.

"Well..." says Valjean; "this is what you must do."

With Valjean's direction, the baker and his wife put the vest as red as blood on the brat without a home and have him drop the hair of blonde or brown into the boot that is full of holes. He does... and... nothing happens.

"What?" everyone exclaims. "Why isn't it working?"

Valjean frowns at the boy, the vest, the boot, and the hair. "Wait..." he says, "where did you get that hair?"

"I stole it from a girl in a garden," Claire tells him.

"That explains it!" Valjean cries. "None of it can be stolen! That's against the rules!"

"But we're running out of time!" Jacques wails. "Where will we get another hair in the five minutes before the third midnight?"

The door of the shop bursts open, and a blonde woman with no front teeth staggers into the room. "Jacques," she groans, coughing, "use mine!" She rips a handful of hair out of her head and holds it out to the baker. "I've been portrayed onstage with blonde hair, brown hair, red hair, and even black hair! My hair will work!"

"Thank you, Mysterious Woman!" Jacques smiles, taking the hair.

Valjean squints at her. "Fantine? I thought you were dead."

"Fantine?" repeats Jacques. "You're Fantine?"

The Mysterious Woman nods, tries to smile, and dies.

"NOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOTHEEEEERRRR!" Jacques shouts. As he says this the brat drops the hairs into the boot, and a potion appears. Valjean throws it on the baker, and his wife immediately becomes pregnant.

"Oh dear," Claire moans, looking down at her enormous stomach, "I need to go lie down."

Jacques, meanwhile, takes the brat, the vest, and the boot out into the streets to return them to their owners.

* * *

Eponine stops in the middle of an alley, panting. "Wait a minute," she says aloud. "Why on earth am I running from the sexiest man in all of literature? That just doesn't make sense."

"Eponine!" a voice cries. She glances up; Montparnasse has finally caught up with her. "Eponine! You've stopped running!"

"Yeah," she says. "Wanna do something about it?"

Montparnasse does.

* * *

Cosette is taking a walk by the river to clear her head. She passes some fishermen, who are pulling in a very full net. "We've caught a big one, Bob!" cries one.

His companion inspects their net. "What? Bill, this is a dead body."

"Ew," says Bill. He tosses the net away, and it lands at Cosette's feet.

She recognizes the body, of course, as her own beloved. "Marius!" she gasps, throwing herself to the ground beside him. "Oh, Marius, my love! You can't be dead, you just can't be!"

Her tragic tears of love fall on his face, and he is magically healed. "Cosette!" Marius cries, sitting up. "You found me!"

They hug, kiss, and get all mushy.

* * *

Enjolras waves the big shiny gun in Gavroche's face. "Ha! Told you they had big shiny guns! Told you so!"

"That's nice," says Gavroche.

"Oy, you two!" someone shouts. "You two, over here!"

They turn to see Jacques rushing toward them with the brat in tow. "Hey, here's your stuff back!"

"Ah, my boy!" Gavroche laughs. "Splendid!"

"Bloody-Red? Oh, Bloody-Red, my dear sweet little vesty-vest-vest! I never thought I'd see you again!" Enjolras says, weeping for joy. He hugs the vest close and kisses it and puts it on. "Don't I look spiffy, gamin?"

"I dunno," says Gavroche.

And thus I draw the curtain on act one of our fic, with everyone living happily ever after. Enjolras has his vest, Eponine has her Montparnasse, Cosette has her Marius, Jacques and Claire have their child, and Gavroche has his boys. Ah yes, all's well...


	8. Act II Opening

A/N- Never fear, it's only half over! Whee... Oh, since my computer virus won't allow me to edit documents after I load them to the site, I'm trying a different way right now and hope it works...

Devonny Strauss- They really should... -muses- But you can get up now, I've updated! Heh...

Robyn-Enjolras- Don't worry, Enj got his nap during intermission... Wait, do you mean me? Yeah, I didn't get a nap, so look out for that.

Tziporah- Hehe... yay it's the second act now! Even though intermission was dreadfully short.

Kang Xiu- Fish, dead lawyers... same thing. Well, maybe not...

ArgentineRose- Tada!

Flare Conlon- Why thankee. Saying a name three times with a 'y' at the end of the first is an old inside joke with my friends at school... namely Bretty-Brett-Brett and Marky-Mark-Mark... -needs sleep-

Eponinesigh- I'm not trying to be rude to you, because any LM fan is okay with me... even stereotypical fangirls, but it irritates me when someone who claims to be a fan says Cosette is evil. I mean, have you read the book? Seen the play? If anyone's evil, it's Eponine, because she's the one who told Marius to go to the barricades in hopes he would get himself killed... Still, I don't really mind Eponine, though I adore canon and it kinda annoys me to hear it called evil.

nebulia- Hmph?

Mlle Verity- Nope, not at all...

X

Once upon a time... later.

All is not well in Paris. There is a sad young lady called Eponine, to begin with, who only wants to help her protective husband. He doesn't trust her to leave his sight, considering she spent so long running away from him, so she spends most of her time sitting around at his flat. So that's Eponine.

Then we have a young fellow called Enjolras, who dreams of a better life for all. He is currently standing on a table in the middle of a café, sermonizing at a group of students who are ready to join his quest to overthrow the government.

The last people I must introduce are now familiar to you. We have a baker called Jacques, for lack of a better name, and his wife Claire. Jacques and Claire have a child, who spends most of his time lying around and crying. They are not fully satisfied, for their little bakery is not big enough for their entire family.

Despite these little problems, they are all very happy. Eponine never thought she'd be worthy to wed the infamous sexy murderer Montparnasse, Enjolras is living happily with his beloved vest, and Jacques and Claire never dreamed that they could have such a beautiful-

An explosion rocks the bakery, and it collapses around the little family. Valjean enters the scene.

Jacques is almost hysterical. "Have you done this to our house?" he cries.

"Always thinking of yourself? My daughter's beautiful garden was destroyed!"

"Who could have done this?" Claire asks.

Valjean rolls his eyes. "Well, let me think... Who would fire a cannon into a house or shoot down trees and flowers in a desire to get revenge?"

Scratching his chin, Jacques says, "Do you think it was a bear?"

"A dragon?" suggests Claire.

"Manticore?"

"Griffin?"

"Giant?"

"Try THE NATIONAL GUARD!" Valjean shouts at last.

Jacques and Claire are quiet.

Valjean's supposition proved to be true...

X

Eponine hears the gunfire from her flat. Montparnasse is not home, for he is off on another of his overnight ventures. She gets to her feet and decides to see what the trouble is.

She goes into the streets.

X

The baker and his wife decide that their child is not safe near the rubble that is all that remains of their house, and they go off in search of somewhere safer. They encounter Enjolras and his Barricade Boys, and Jacques explains that the government is out for revenge. Enjolras and the Barricade Boys join the little family, if only to be sure that they are safe.

They go into the streets.

X

Gavroche scowls at the smoke on the horizon. "We should go see if Mamselle Miss and La Magnon are quite alright," he says softly, taking his boys by the hand. "Come on."

They go into the streets.

X

A scream is heard from the Rue Plumet.


	9. Agony Part Two

A/N- I'm back... Yes. Sorry that took so long, but there's been far too much going on... Oh, the drama. Anyway...

notthatlucky- Yes, me too. The Witch's rap kicks butt, doesn't it? I love Bernadette Peters _-hero worships-_

nebulia- Nope, it wasn't. There is, indeed, "a whole 'nother act" full of... well... we'll see.

Tziporah- I was actually attempting to make it sound like a band... just so you can picture that... Enjolras as the lead singer... Jehan on the drums...

ArgentineRose- Bringin' it. Finally...

Devonny Strauss- Hmm, neither can I. But yes, Jacques and Claire... they try so hard...

Kang Xiu- I wonder myself, I must admit... I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but we'll see. Yeah, it'll probably get Man of Paris-ish before too long.

Robyn-Enjolras- Prolonged suspense, too, for we don't elaborate on the scream quite yet.

Eponine- I wouldn't hurt Cosette? Have you read any of my earlier stuff? Bobette? Mizzies at the Park? LM Meets BTTF? Beauty and the Sexy Beast? Didn't think so. And no, Eponine and 'Parnasse would probably never get married, but that didn't stop them from acting as though they were. She was his mistress, but you know that; you've read the book. I, too, was a fan of the musical first (I'm willing to bet everyone here was), but the reason a lot of people are "stoning" you for your ideas is that most of us will begin to take the book as indisputable fact before we start writing/reviewing fanfiction. It's just... right.

Ponine24601- Yay, then you should like the reprise... here.

X

Marius Pontmercy is sitting on a bench in the Luxembourg gardens, pondering, when he sees a familiar shape.

"Montparnasse?"

"Hullo, Pontmercy." The young dandy sits next to him on the bench.

Marius glances over at him. "You don't look too happy. What's wrong, married life doesn't agree with you?"

"Heck no it doesn't! Oh, and it's so hard to hide an affair from your wife," Montparnasse answers.

"I know," says Marius.

Montparnasse nearly falls off of the bench. "You're kidding me! You, cheating on the baroness? I though you were madly in love with her!"

"Well," Marius begins, "I was, and I still love her, I suppose, but there's another girl I saw... beautiful little thing with big blue eyes and long blonde hair – "

"By the way, is your wife's hair blond or brown?" Montparnasse interrupts.

Marius frowns. "I'm not sure. Anyway, I saw this girl and... Well, there's just something about her that I like."

"Where'd you see her?"

"She's a dancer at the Opera."

"Hmm," says Montparnasse. "My girl's in show business too. She's a pretty dark-haired thing down at the Red Rat."

"Hey, isn't that in London?"

"Not in this story."

"Oh," Marius nods, "okay."

"It stinks, doesn't it?" Montparnasse sighs.

"Yeah."

"Ah well, back to my wife."

The men go their separate ways.


	10. The Firing Squad

A/N- Hehe, semi-mixed reviews, I see. But mostly good... yay! Oh, and I decided not to elaborate on the scream after all. Make up your own story for that one.

Jean Valjean, Gavroche and his boys, Jacques, Claire, and the baby are travelling in a small group. The streets are almost deserted now, because many people have fled the dangers of the incensed National Guard. Our group turns down an alley and encounters a firing squad lined up from one side of the street to the other.

"Nobody move!" shouts the firing squad in-charge guy.

Nobody moves.

"Now tell us, where can we find Pierre Enjolras?"

Nobody moves.

"Where do we find Pierre Enjolras? We have business with him!" At this last statement several of the men chuckle darkly.

"Enjolras is not here," Valjean answers at last.

"Oh, of course he isn't," the in-charge guy says sarcastically. "Liars! Show him to us, or we'll shoot you all!"

The rest of the firing squad began cocking their rifles and muskets and carbines and such.

"Hold on," Valjean says. "I'll get him."

He pulls open a rip in the space-time continuum and jumps into a room where a girl with glasses is sitting at a computer. Hey, wait a minute! You can't be in here, Valjean! You don't exist.

"Sure I don't. You're coming with me."

What? What are you talking about? HEY! LET GO OF ME! What- Whoa... I'm in Paris. Hey, I'm gonna go find Montparnasse, okay?

"No, you're gonna stay here. You're my prisoner now."

Valjean is looking pretty dangerous, so I think I'll listen to him. Readers, Paris is cool! And kind of dirty. I never thought I'd actually be here, and especially with the Mizzies! I hope Valjean will let me go find 'Parnasse soon.

"Here, this is Enjolras!"

What? Where? Don't shove me like that! Hey, look, a firing squad! Oh... crap.

_(Gunfire.)_

Claire: What the heck was that?

Valjean: I think I've just solved all of our problems.

Jacques: How?

Valjean: That was the Authoress. Now that she's dead, we can write the story ourselves! After all, she wasn't doing a very good job of telling it.

Jacques: What was wrong with her way of telling it? We all got what we wanted.

Valjean: Did you _want_ the National Guard running around shooting people for no apparent reason?

Jacques: Well, no...

Gavroche: I did!

Valjean: You're such a weird little kid. Personally, I'm tired of OOC-ness.

Claire: I'm not OOC.

Valjean: That's because you're an OC. OC's can't be OOC.

Claire: Oh, I see.

_(Cosette comes running in, crying loudly.)_

Cosette: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Valjean: Darling, what's wrong?

Cosette: DADDY, DO YOU THINK I'M BETTER THAN A – _(sob)_ – THAN A... A CHORUS GIRL?

Valjean: Of course, sweetheart! Come, tell Daddy what's wrong.

Cosette: MARIUS WAS... HE WAS... I SAW HIM... ON THE ROOF OF THE OPERA HOUSE... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Valjean: Marius was on the roof of the opera house? So?

Cosette: WITH A GIIIIIIIRL! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Valjean: Really? What was he doing?

Cosette: HE WAS... HE WAS... SINGIIIINNNNNNNNG!

_(Hysterical, Cosette turns to rush away.)_

Valjean: NO! Don't go that way, darling, there's a-

_(Gunfire.)_

Valjean: ... firing squad.

_(No one says anything for a long time. At length Jacques approaches Valjean.)_

Jacques: Monsieur?

Valjean: That blasted revolutionary... this is his fault.

Jacques: What?

Valjean: Pierre Enjolras killed my daughter.

Gavroche: No, m'sieur, that was the firing squad.

Valjean: _(ignoring him)_ I will not rest until I see the revolutionary dead and his vest torn to ribbons.

Claire: Oh dear... that doesn't sound very nice at all.


	11. Chapter 11

Jacques: We have to help Enjolras! I don't want that crazy old man to get him killed.

Claire: I'd help find him, but the baby...

Gavroche: I'll hold him!

Claire: _(passing him the child)_ You're a good kid.

Gavroche: Thanks.

Jacques: Well then, I'll go this way, you go that way, and Gavroche... protect my child.

Gavroche: Will do.

(He sits and begins rocking the baby, who is already asleep. Jacques goes left. Claire goes right.)

(Claire runs into Montparnasse. Literally.)

Claire: Ow!

Montparnasse: Sorry, mamselle. _(He helps her up.)_

Claire: _(a bit flustered)_ Oh my... well, hello, m'sieur.

Montparnasse: What are you doing all alone out here in the streets, my dear? Don't you know the National Guard is running loose?

Claire: Well, yes. In fact, I saw them kill the Authoress and a young girl.

Montparnasse: A young girl? What did she look like?

Claire: Well, it was Cosette Pontmercy.

Montparnasse: Pontmercy, eh? Well... Are you sure it wasn't Éponine? Éponine Montparnasse?

Claire: It wasn't.

Montparnasse: Shame.

(A moment of silence.)

Claire: Well, m'sieur, it's been a nice little chat, but I must find Enjolras.

Montparnasse: Oh, don't leave now, mamselle!

Claire: But... I must...

Montparnasse: Is it terribly urgent?

Claire: Well, yes... I mean, it's a matter of life or death, really.

Montparnasse: _(abruptly)_ Do you think me handsome, mamselle?

Claire: O-Of course!

Montparnasse: What would you say if I told you that I found you pretty?

Claire: I... I'd be flattered.

Montparnasse: If I said beautiful?

Claire: M'sieur...

(He kisses her.)

Claire: Oh dear! Oh dear, oh dear...

Montparnasse: I'm sorry, mamselle. Was that wrong?

Claire: Well, yes...

Montparnasse: My apologies. I'll leave you.

Claire: Well... you don't really have to... to _leave_, do you?

Montparnasse: Not if you don't want me to.

(She doesn't.)

(Time passes.)

Montparnasse: _(getting to his feet)_ Now I really must leave.

Claire: But why?

Montparnasse: The National Guard.

Claire: Will we... find each other in the streets again?

Montparnasse: Hmm... probably not. _(He leaves.)_

Claire: Wait...! Oh, well isn't that just like a man? _(suddenly realizing what just happened) _Oh my! Jacques! And the baby! Oh, my goodness, I must be a fool! What in the world...?

(She ponders for a while.)

Claire: Ah well, no matter. I suppose I'll just return... What is that noise?

Noise: RUN AWAY! IT'S A FIRING SQUAD, RUN AWAY!

Claire: Um...

(A runaway cart appears, its owner having apparently deserted it in fear of the National Guard. The horse does not see Claire, who does not move quickly enough to escape it. She is trampled.)


	12. Chapter 12

_(Jacques is out looking for Enjolras.)_

_(Jacques sees Éponine.)_

Jacques: Excuse me, mademoiselle?

Éponine: Oh... um, yes?

Jacques: Have you seen a fellow in a red vest?

Éponine: No, no I haven't. Have you seen a pretty murderer in fine clothes with a flower tucked into his buttonhole?

Jacques: 'Fraid not.

Éponine: Oh. Well, I'll just wait for him, I suppose.

Jacques: Don't you know there's a firing squad running around, gunning folks down?

Éponine: I wasn't aware.

Jacques: Here, come back with me. There's a whole group of us who've survived.

Éponine: Well, alright.

(They find Gavroche and the child, who is still asleep and, surprisingly, unharmed.)

Jacques: Okay then, I suppose we'll just wait for my wife to come back. I do hope she's found Enjolras.

(Valjean enters with said revolutionary.)

Valjean: I've found the brat.

Gavroche: And you didn't kill him?

Valjean: Not yet. I thought I should bring you the news.

Jacques: What news?

Enjolras: Excuse me... kill me? What?

Valjean: You've killed my daughter.

Enjolras: What?

Valjean: But, baker, I thought you should know...

Jacques: Know what?

Valjean: Your wife.

Jacques: Claire? What about her? Is she coming?

Valjean: I doubt it. She's dead.

Jacques: What? Claire... is dead? _(suddenly turning on Enjolras)_ It's your fault the National Guard has gone insane and my wife is dead!

Enjolras: But... but it isn't my fault! You persuaded me to give away my vest, and I wasn't thinking clearly!

Jacques: Wait a minute! That stupid vest isn't that great! It it's not worth the lives of two people!

Valjean: Three, counting the Authoress.

Jacques: Anyway, who told you to try and blow up the government anyway?

Éponine: _(to Enjolras)_ So it's your fault!

Enjolras: No!

Éponine: Yes it is!

Enjolras: But I only shot the government to free oppressed citizens like you!

Jacques: So it's your fault!

Gavroche: No! It's about the vest!

Jacques: Wait! You could have kept your vest, but my house was cursed! The old man made us get your vest to have the curse lifted!

Valjean: _(highly annoyed)_ It's your mother's fault that there was a curse in the first place! Angering devil-worshipping gypsies, _please_!

Enjolras: So it's her fault!

Jacques: No!

Éponine: Yes it is, it's hers! I guess...

Jacques: Wait a minute... You fought the government once, right? That's clear. They didn't mind so much, did they? Why the sudden outburst when they did nothing about the first attack?

Enjolras: Oh yeah! The boy dared me to steal a gun!

Gavroche: What?

Enjolras: Yeah, it's your fault!

Gavroche: No!

Enjolras: Yes it is!

Jacques: No, it's yours!

(A confusing argument ensues.)

Valjean: Okay! EVERYONE SHUT UP!

(Everyone shuts up.)

Valjean: You people are ridiculous! Who cares about the blame? The point is... you're all gonna die! It's the end of the world! It's the last midnight! You'll all be shot, and I'll laugh! Laugh, I say! I'll be laughing! But not from here... no, no, it's not safe here! I... I'll... GOODBYE!

(He jumps off a bridge and drowns in the River Seine. For real, this time. No Bob and Bill to pull him out, cos they've been shot.)

Jacques: What in the world was that?


	13. Chapter 13

_(Jacques is distraught over the loss of Claire.)_

Jacques: Hey, um, Éponine?

Éponine: Yeah?

Jacques: Could you hold my baby for a second?

Éponine: Sure.

Jacques: Thanks.

_(Jacques passes her the baby, then takes off running.)_

Éponine: Wait! Where are you—? Oh well.

(Jacques is running along, perhaps trying to find the firing squad and let them kill him as well.)

Voice: Hey, Jacques! Where are you going?

(Jacques stops, recognizing said Voice.)

Jacques: Who is that?

Voice: It's me, dear.

(Jacques turns to see a woman with short blonde hair and no front teeth, who seems a little blurry around the edges.)

Jacques: Mom?

Mysterious Woman: Yes, Jacques.

Jacques: B- but you died!

Mysterious Woman: Yeah...

Jacques: Oh, well, what?

Mysterious Woman: I just think you should know that abandoning your child with a Thénardier is not such a good idea. You'll miss the kid like crazy, and then never get to see her again.

Jacques: You mean him.

Mysterious Woman: Right... what did I say?

Jacques: Her.

Mysterious Woman: Oh.

Jacques: How do you know?

Mysterious Woman: What?

Jacques: That leaving your child with a Thénardier is so awful.

Mysterious Woman: I've done it, of course! And if I hadn't, you, me, and Cosette would all be living happily somewhere in the Parisian countryside.

Jacques: Cosette? You mean, the crazy old man's daughter?

Mysterious Woman: _My_ daughter. Your sister.

Jacques: The crying girl obsessed with Marius Pontmercy was my sister?

Mysterious Woman: What do you mean, was?

Jacques: Well, she'd dead.

Mysterious Woman: What? NOOO!

(She disappears in a cloud of tears.)

Jacques: Wait, aren't you dead too...? Never mind, then.

_(And, realizing that what she said is true, he returns to the group.)_


	14. Chapter 14

(Jacques has returned to Éponine, Gavroche, Enjolras, and the baby. Together they are devising a plan to overthrow the government and destroy the firing squad that is causing all of this trouble.)

Gavroche: Well, Enjolras got us into this blasted mess, so he should get us all out.

Enjolras: What? I thought we decided it was... well, never mind. I do have an idea, now that you mention it.

Éponine: Well? What is it?

Enjolras: Okay, first, we have to get them to come to us—you know, attract them. Cause some sort of disturbance, and I have a perfect idea. Then... we shoot them!

Jacques: That actually seems a pretty good plan. What's your idea to attract them?

Enjolras: Why, ripping up paving stones and building a barricade, of course!

Gavroche: Excellent!

Éponine: Hey, Gavroche, whatever happened to your boys?

Gavroche: My boys? _(looks around)_ Search me! They're gone!

Éponine: Well, isn't that canon...

Enjolras: We'll need more troops! I'll go rally the people! I just love doing that...

Jacques: I'll come as well.

Gavroche: I'll pick a spot for the barricade!

Éponine: I guess I'll stay here with the baby.

(No one hears her, for all have gone off to do their jobs and put the plan into action.)

(Time passes, and later that evening Éponine joins the others at the barricade in the spot Gavroche chose. He has found his boys again, and Jacques and Enjolras return with a rather large group.)

Éponine: This is splendid! We'll have this whole thing solved before too long! Ah, yes, no one is alone.

(She sees a certain sexy murderer with a certain showgirl on his arm.)

Éponine: Montparnasse?

Montparnasse: _(seeing her)_ Blast, I thought she was dead! Er... hey, 'Ponine! How are you?

Éponine: Who is that girl?

Montparnasse: Who, Lucy? She's my... ah... sister. Right Luce?

Lucy: Oh wow, it's Éponine! Éponine, I've always felt that we had a lot in common! I mean, that whole unrequited love thing, you know, and lots of cheesy ballads, and now sleeping with Montparnasse!

Éponine: _(doubtfully)_ You're sleeping with your brother? Isn't that a little...

Montparnasse: Well, you know, my flat only has one mattress... But it's not like that!

Lucy: Why're you lying to the girl? She knows all about it, I'm sure. I mean, we points to the love triangle understand each other! Éponine and me, we're like... sisters! Is that okay, Éponine? I've always sort of looked to you as a sister. Do you think we could have that kind of relationship?

Éponine: How about a wife versus mistress relationship?

Lucy: Well, that doesn't sound as good, really...

Montparnasse: Éponine! Don't be so rude to my... sister...

Éponine: Oh, shut up, Montparnasse, I know she's not your sister! I mean, look at her! She's not even French!

Lucy: Well, yes, I'm English, but you and I could still be sisters! Come on, we have so much in common! 'Ponine—may I call you 'Ponine?

Éponine: No.

Lucy: I've always thought of you as—

Éponine: Alright, enough, so be it! So be it, then!

Montparnasse: What?

Lucy: What's wrong, sis?

Éponine: Just take her and go!

Montparnasse: Really?

Éponine: Yes! I don't want to see you anymore, 'Parnasse!

Lucy: How about me? You wanna see me, right?

Éponine: No.

Lucy: Montparnasse! You promised I could meet Éponine! You promised we'd be best friends forever!

Montparnasse: C'mon, Lucy... that was just to get you to... you know...

Lucy: Montparnasse! You lied to me! How could you do this? You're so hurtful!

(Lucy runs out front of the barricades, sobbing. Gunfire is heard.)

Enjolras: The National Guard has arrived! She was the first to fall... the first of us to fall upon this barricade!

Éponine: Now look what you've done!

Montparnasse: _(to Enjolras)_ Her name was Lucy Harris. Her life was... well... I guess it was okay.

Enjolras: We fight here in her name! She will not die in vain! She will not be betrayed.

Éponine: How about me? I've been betrayed.

Montparnasse: Say... 'Ponine? I never really liked Lucy very much... she was really... um... She had me under a spell... It was all magic! I never meant to do anything like that!

Éponine: What you are trying to say, I believe, is that now Lucy is gone you want me back.

Montparnasse: _(slightly surprised and relieved)_ Yeah, I do!

Éponine: Too bad.

Montparnasse: NOO! There are no other women left in Paris!

(Ma'am Huchelop, Chowder, and Fricassée wander past.)

Montparnasse: And yet, I'm not that desperate.


	15. Chapter 15

Gavroche: I couldn't find my boys!

Éponine: _(putting down a very thick brick-sized book she had been reading)_ Did you check the park? Near where the ducks are?

Gavroche: What? No.

Enjolras: Come, citizens! The National Guard has arrived! We shall fight them and have revenge for the Authoress, Valjean, Lucy Harris, Cosette, and... um... whoever else is dead.

Gavroche: Mamselle Miss.

Jacques: Claire!

Enjolras: Right... them too.

_(The National Guard opens fire on the barricade. Montparnasse is shot.)_

Éponine: Perhaps it's a good thing the Authoress isn't alive to see that. You know LesMisLoony is dead when you see Montparnasse killed.

Jacques: Now they can be together! That's sweet...

Gavroche: Look! More people are coming to join us!

(Marius, Christine Daaé, Azelma, Thénardier, the Thénardiess, Combeferre, and a random white cow have climbed over the smaller barricade in the Rue Mondétour and joined the rebels.)

Éponine: Ooh, who's the hottie with the blonde?

Christine: Marius, why have you brought us here? We must return!

Marius: His eyes will find you there!

Christine: Oh please, don't say that! Don't even think it!

Éponine: Wait a minute...

Thénardier: Why're all these barricades around the Corinth? I just wanted a nice drink...

Enjolras: Welcome to my barricades! I named them Suzette and Marie. Marie is the smaller one.

Newcomers: Say what?

Enjolras: We are fighting the National Guard to avenge the deaths of our friends and families!

Combeferre: Enjolras! There you are!

Cow: Moo.

Christine: I think that cow is Milky White...

Éponine: What?

Christine: You know, from _Into the Woods_ by Sondheim. I was in that show down at the opera house. I played Rapunzel.

Marius: I remember that show. It was the first time I ever saw you onstage. I fell in love with your voice.

Christine: And you remind me so much of my childhood sweetheart.

(A handsome blond man who is in no way a fop steps out of the crowd.)

Not A Fop: Christine? Is that you?

Christine: Raoul! Oh, darling, I've found you!

Marius: Hey... what about me?

Éponine: I'm available. My husband cheated on me with an English showgirl and got shot.

Marius: Oh, you're Éponine?

Éponine: Yeah. And I'm single.

Marius: Okay.

(A National Guardsman climbs over the barricade and aims for Marius.)

Éponine: NOOOOO!

(She throws herself in front of the musket, gets shot, and dies.)

Marius: I have terrible luck with women.

_(The Guardsman turns and shoots him.)_


	16. Chapter 16

Enjolras: Holy crap! Everyone is dying!

Jacques: _(as Christine, Raoul, and Thénardier are shot) _This is probably payment for killing the Authoress.

Enjolras: What? I didn't do that, the crazy old man did!

Jacques: Yeah, I know. Wait... who has my baby?

Enjolras: Huh? Oh, Gavroche does. Hey, I think I'm out of ammunition.

Jacques: Really? So am I. I tried to stop a National Guardsman from shooting that enormous red-haired woman, but I didn't have any bullets. He'd already killed her by the time I worked out that whacking him on the head would also stop him from shooting me.

Enjolras: Clever. Look, d'you see those bodies in the street? On the other side of the barricade?

Jacques: Yup. Ooh, they have ammo in their little bullet bags!

Enjolras: Right-o. I'm gonna go get some.

Jacques: We can't let you go! It's too much of a chance!

Enjolras: And the same thing is true for any man here!

Jacques: Let me go! You're no more than a boy! I am slightly older; I have a little less to fear!

Gavroche: You need somebody quicker, and I volunteer!

_(He begins climbing the barricade.)_

Enjolras: Come back Gavroche! Don't you dare!

Jacques: Someone pull him down at once!

Gavroche: Look at me! I'm almost there!

Enjolras: Well, we all know how this will end.

_(Gunshot.)_

Jacques: Wait! Who has my baby now?

Azelma: Yo.

Jacques: Oh, okay.

Enjolras: Crap, they shot down our flag. Here, cow!

Milky-White: Moo?

Enjolras: _(putting his vest on the cow's back)_ Hold Bloody-Red till I come back, okay?

Milky-White: Moo.

Jacques: I could hold it...

_(Enjolras climbs to the top of the barricade.)_

Azelma: _(laying the baby on Milky-White's back)_ Wait! Mr. Hot Man on the barricade! They'll shoot you like they shot the entire rest of my family!

_(She runs up to pull Enjolras back, but neither of them are quick enough to escape the next volley.)_

Jacques: Wait! Now it's just me and the cow! And my baby...

Bloody-Red: _(makes vest noise of protest and self-assertion)_

Jacques: And the vest. We should run while we can!

_(Milky-White hears this and runs away with the baby and the vest on her back.)_

Jacques: Wait! Hey, ya stupid cow! Come back with my kid!

Loudhailer: We have the barricades surrounded! Surrender now and we will be merciful!

Jacques: Okay! I surrender!

Soldier: Just kidding.

_(He shoots Jacques. With all other characters killed by the National Guard, Milky-White, Bloody-Red, and the baby walk off into the sunset.)_

Milky-White: MOOO!

Translation: Another story must begin.

**FIN**


End file.
